I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize