1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
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His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
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apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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