Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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