Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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