At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
