I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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