apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
