watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
