just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
