dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
