Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
