You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
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Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
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Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Good news! Blood’s flowing!