drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.