just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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