Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
