M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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