My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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