The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
