got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
