I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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