There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
