If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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