i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
