I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
