I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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