Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
