I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
40s are totally the cure
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
