I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
im six kinds of drunk right now
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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