"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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