I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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