I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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