remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
