Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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