just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
