I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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