Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
