So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
my god I love twenty year old dicks
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
