I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
