I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
what day is it and did you see me today?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
