I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
