I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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