First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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