We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Be still, my beating vagina.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
