the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
