I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
