frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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