Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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