What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
