this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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