Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
