there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
