I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
