Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
