I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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