Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I think my fart just growled at me.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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