I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
