Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
