ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
