My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
